I find new and interesting ways to our-run my fat bitch...

A few years back, after getting on a scale and nearly fainting in disbelief...I kicked tons-of-fun out of the drivers seat of my life and found exercise again. I have tried it before but am convinced it worked long term this time because I was not headed for a "goal weight". I had to integrate it as an outlet into my daily life- and whatever benefits came from it weight wise was just gravy (mmm gravy).

Of course, I meet daily obstacles, often set up my inner chub-star. She constantly wants me to make choices during the day and throughout the week to make me not want to work out. I will tell you one thing about her- she F*cking HATES to run. Here are some tricks and tips I use to distract her so I can:

- Think about food: When you see idiots like me running on the side of the road, you may think they are thinking about reaching their goal, challenging themselves, and pushing their own limits. Most people probably are. Not me. I am thinking about what I will eat when I am done with this horrible activity. My mouth waters more than I sweat. My conscious thought process is littered with waffles, grilled cheese, pasta, and burritos. If I let her think about these things- she gets distracted enough to let me get some calories burned.

- Run faster than your fatty: the first mile is the worst...the tubby whore can actually keep up. Mile 2, she weakens me....whispering in my ear that the golden girls are probably on and she thinks there may be noodles in the freezer. But by mile 3, she is done. I cannot even hear her. granted, I am done shortly after as well. But the point is this- run till you cannot hear her and don't let her choose the route. Suddenly you are running into liquor stores and burger kings and all hell has broken loose.

- I run drunk: Before you judge, this is not all the time. Sometimes after work, she and I have a heart to heart and we go out and drink with my work friends. maybe 2 or 3, tops. When we come home, while she is basking in the buzz, before she can get to the fridge, I throw on my running clothes and make her do a quick one. It never feels good and she gets MAD. But a little running is better than none at all. I just stick to the sidewalks and avoid cars.

Food Porn

http://www.boston.com/business/gallery/quirkyfastfooditems/

When I see an article like this, I look at it in 2 ways. One- that I am correct in my estimation that everyone has inner fatties lurking. And two, this is food porn for the rest of the year, easily.

With that, a special nod to the men and women behind the fast food conglomerate. Kudos (mmmm kudos) for taking your inner fatty, your distortion of health, your disregard for calories and fat, and your love of cheese on everything and not only bringing it to the world, but for profiting off what most of us keep in a closet next to the empty container and wrappers.

A montage like this has to get everyone creative gravy (mmm gravy) flowing. Some of my rock star ideas are:

Hot Dog Omelets- made them before, ate them happily, few things are as delicious as a hot dog for breakfast. (Disclaimer- I found out today that Dunkin Donuts has started to market a hot dog breakfast sandwich…for this I both thank them and also wonder how many millions I have lost in sitting on this idea). Thanksgiving Trifle- Not the dessert and not the friend’s episode. I’m talking layers: Mashed potatoes, Turkey, Corn, Stuffing, Cranberry, and Repeat. And of course- Chinese Burritos- all the benefits of your favorite Chinese dish- served Mexican style.

What are your food fantasies?

fairfatty

This past weekend I went with some people to the topsfield fair. Luckily, I found a way to lessen the appetite of the beast, albeit accidentally.

I got shit faced drunk the night before.

While its not a strategy I recommend, it did stop the inner ferocity to gorge myself. It did not stop me from a hotdog and perogies...But believe me, It could have been worse.

There are no real learnings here. Just more of a damned if you do, damned if you don't kind of element. Had I eaten more I'd have been less drunk and therefore felt less crappy the next day which would have led to several more hot dogs and german fries and likely some kind of chocolate covered monstrosity to top it off. Six of one, half dozen of the other.....reminds me of donuts.

mmmmmm....

My inner fatty convinces us to drink wine and eat pasta instead of running.

Today I need to go running. I was supposed to go last night but 3 glasses of wine later and my inner fatty decided we would go to Felicia's instead and have more wine and pasta. Which brings me to our discussion: Alcohol is the fat bitches best friend.

Like most other toxic relationships- booze does not bring out the best in my heavy dark passenger. In fact, even one drink can make her stronger and take over the whole situation. It can happen quickly and yet is also a very subtle epic fail. Last night for example:

Glass number 1- I was relaxed, but OK. I should have stopped but as I reached for my bill, Fat bitch looked longingly at the waitress, who responded to my inner cry by bringing another round.

Glass number 2- I have on a solid buzz. People are still talking to me but they are all starting to just look like giant talking burritos.

Glass number 3- I come to and find myself at Felicia's Italian restaurant. Sauce on my face, more wine in my glass. The only thing my real self managed to do was blurt out "balsamic" for the salad dressing. At least I got one point in.

As the wine takes over- I go home, stuffed with pasta, and sit at watch Jersey Shore while eating gummy bears and drinking milk. That's right.......I'm almost 30.

So what does this teach us about my squatting fat bitch? First of all, neither of us is stupid. I'm well aware of wine lowering my inhibitions, getting more drunk when I have not eaten since noon. Drunk and hungry being a bad color on everyone, I could have ordered the "healthy options" on the menu. But I was no longer in control. When she takes over, there is no moderation. There is blind stuffing of myself. Lesson learned- the tubby bitch has no limits.

Welcome!

Welcome to my new blog- "Captive by Carbs". This will journal and record my life as I cope with the fact that I battle every day with a big fat bitch who lives inside me.

I've looked this up and I am not afflicted by any real clinical disorder. It's not REALLY multiple personality because, she is still me. A version of myself that I don't allow to be publicly facing.

I have a theory that in this world, there are other women, and even men, who share this plight. If you also deal on a daily basis, sharing your body with your great big counterpart- I invite you to share your story and even do a post here of your own.

Gotta go for now...I hear her coming down the hall....and she has a pizza.